Memory
by Rae325
Summary: Memories pull Regina back to a time when she wasn't a powerful queen, but a scared young woman with no control. Warning: rape.
1. Chapter 1

Regina is drinking a glass of wine in Mary Margaret's living room. Of all the places Regina would have ever expected to spend a Saturday evening, this is surely at the very bottom of the list. But she and Emma are giving things a real shot now. And that means family. Both in the wonderful way where Henry curls up between them on the couch to watch a movie, and in the awful way in which Regina finds herself once again a part of Snow White's family.

Regina is looking around the small apartment while Emma, Mary Margaret, and David share a private moment in the kitchen, and Regina is all too happy to give them their time alone if it means that she can have a moment without having to watch Snow and Charming making eyes at each other. The apartment is small but homey, full of nicknacks and antiques. Regina notices a collection of items that Snow has clearly brought back from her trip to the Enchanted Forest and her old castle. Among the collection of trinkets Regina sees a ring. She would know that ring anywhere, had seen it for six years on her husband's hand. Suddenly, she can feel the weight of Leopold on top of her, can smell his sweat as it coats her body. The nausea is so intense that Regina isn't sure she can make it to the bathroom.

She turns and walks the short distance to Mary Margaret's bathroom. Regina manages to turn the water on and hopefully drown out the noise of her retching before bending over the toilet. She sinks to her knees, unable to stop herself from continuing to vomit. It's too surreal. The smell of Leopold lingers in her nostrils all these years later, and the fact that Snow is once again standing outside while Regina throws up in disgust and horror is simply too much to bear.

Regina hears the knock on the door, and her mind is still lost in the past, expecting the small child that Snow was to be outside asking what all the noise was, asking for her new mother to tell her a story. But Regina is brought back to the present by her lover's voice. "Regina?" She doesn't say anything, just keeps staring into the water in the toilet bowl.

Regina hears Emma open the door and cautiously pad into the tiny bathroom. Emma walks over to the sink and fills up a paper cup before sitting down next to her girlfriend. Regina can't bring herself to look Emma in the eyes, instead focusing on her shaking hands as Emma presses the cup of water into them. Regina puts all her effort into bringing the water to her mouth and sipping slowly.

Regina drinks the water while she tries desperately to push everything away. She just needs to get out of here with her dignity intact. She needs to leave this bathroom, leave this apartment, without showing anymore of herself to the people in the other room. But despite her best efforts at locking everything back inside, Regina feels the pain pressing against her chest until a sob bursts from her lips.

Emma's voice is calm and steady next to Regina. "It's ok. You're safe. He's dead." Regina turns to Emma in shock, looking at the blonde for the first time since she entered the bathroom. Emma smiles softly at Regina, and God is it a comfort, even though Regina wants nothing more than to not need anyone right now. Regina looks at Emma expectantly, wanting to know how her girlfriend knows this piece of information that Regina hasn't told to a single soul in the 45 years since she married Leopold. "I see how you react when someone mentions his name," Emma begins with an apologetic smile, "and I know how you hate when all my weight is on top of you."

Regina fights the urge to deny everything; to tell Emma that she just must have eaten something that didn't agree with her and to bolt from the bathroom. Instead she sits and breathes. She sits and breathes and tries her hardest not to feel like that seventeen year old girl, frozen helplessly under her husband, torn open and exposed for all the world to see. Maybe Emma senses her lover's urge to run from something that feels like vulnerability and weakness because Emma reaches out her hand for Regina to take, and in a voice devoid of anything like pity reminds Regina, "You're in control. It's all in the past, and neither you nor I will let anyone hurt you."

Regina takes Emma's hand with a small nod, and Emma looks relieved to have said the right thing, to have not frightened Regina away. "Snow always thought that I had her father killed to hurt her, but that wasn't the reason," Regina says, looking at Emma. "I spent six years lying underneath Leopold. Most of the first year of our marriage, I laid there crying and bleeding, but he just took what he wanted, because I was his wife and he didn't need anymore permission than that." The words drip from Regina's lips full of contempt. "I finally taught myself to keep quiet, to not let him know what he was taking from me." It's a moment of brutal honestly, to admit out loud that Leopold took something from her, that even though she had taken his life, that it wasn't enough to give her back what she had lost.

"I'm so sorry Regina," Emma says, giving Regina's hand a squeeze. Emma looks like she wants to hug Regina but is holding back, not wanting to invade the older woman's space if she doesn't want the physical contact. The compassion in Emma's eyes, the way she stares at Regina with such love even as they discuss the man that Regina had killed, reminds Regina that she is safe and loved. And right now, in this room with this woman, Regina lets herself seek comfort. For the first time in decades she allows herself to rely on someone else for strength. Regina wraps her arms around Emma and buries her face in the blonde's neck.

Emma holds Regina, rubbing soothing patterns on her back. "I love you," Emma whispers against Regina's ear, and Regina can feel something swell in her chest. What she feels now can't return what she lost all those nights on her marriage bed. But for the first time since Regina watched her mother crush Daniel's heart and seal Regina's fate, she knows that the man she had loved had been right.

Regina holds on tighter. "I love you," she tells Emma, letting the feeling of magic wash over her.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who read and especially those of you who reviewed! I wasn't sure whether I was going to continue this story, but I decided that I wanted to explore a few more things. I will probably add a third chapter, but I'm still unsure about that. This is my first try writing a sex scene, and I would love to know whether you think it worked and whether the characterizations seem believable in general. I'm still new to the fandom and trying to figure out how to write these two, so I very much appreciate feedback!_

* * *

Regina feels safe. There are strong arms around her, and for once Regina stops thinking and just lets herself be held. Emma's breath tickles Regina's ear, and periodically Emma presses a kiss to Regina's ear lobe. In this moment, Regina feels completely loved.

She's surprised that she even remembers the feeling, but it rushes back now, just as intoxicating and wonderful as it had been all those long years ago. Regina closes her eyes against this amazing feeling that she for one moment can just let go. She doesn't need to worry about what anyone thinks, because it's just she and Emma here. Regina turns her face into Emma's neck, and presses a soft kiss against the blonde's skin. Emma chuckles at the light tickle of her lover's mouth.

Regina pulls away and is met with the most incredible smile she can imagine. Regina immediately misses the younger woman's touch, and so she weaves her fingers together with Emma's.

Regina swallows against the tide of emotions coursing through her. She feels momentarily like an innocent child, like the young girl who believed that true love was the only thing in the world that mattered. She wants to tuck that away, wants to tell herself that it's ridiculous, that last time she loved someone that all it led to was unbearable pain. But Emma's smiling at Regina, and there's no way Regina can ignore what that look does to her. Regina's mother had been right; love has always been Regina's weakness.

Regina keeps holding onto Emma's hand as she moves back to lean against the side of the bathtub. Emma stretches her legs out and leans gently into Regina's side. Reality is slowly coming back to Regina. She feels the haze of love and comfort subsiding, and she remembers where she is and who's outside. The anger slips in, old and familiar. Regina fights it though, because she's gone down that road before, letting the anger and pain destroy her and everyone around her. There's too much at stake now to repeat that journey. She can't allow this rage destroy the people she loves. "Can we sit here for a few minutes?" Regina asks, adding honestly, "I can't see Snow right now."

Emma nods understandingly. "We can go home if you want."

"That isn't necessary, dear." Regina feels ashamed of her anger. It's always been the safe thing to feel, better than the powerlessness and the sorrow. But now, with Emma beside her, Regina wants to be better.

Regina takes a moment to concentrate on the presence of the woman beside her. Snow may have taken Daniel from Regina, but she also gave her Emma. The irony makes Regina's head hurt if she thinks about it too long. But none the less, it softens the anger. The respite from the waves of anger is enough to let Regina pull herself back together, to put on the practiced smile, and to rise to her feet.

Regina glances at herself in the mirror. She wipes the slight smudge of makeup from under her eyes and with a lifetime of experience, she looks every bit as flawless and unshakable as when she walked into Mary Margaret's apartment hours earlier. Regina holds out a hand to Emma and helps her lover to her feet. Emma doesn't press; she recognizes that Regina needs to be able to put the pain aside so she can make it through the night. Regina is grateful, because perfect mask in place or not, she knows she could crumble with merely a touch or soothing word from Emma. Regina offers a genuine "Thank you" to Emma before opening the door and leaving the bathroom once more.

* * *

Emma watches Regina all night, and if she hadn't seen the brunette fall apart earlier Emma would never have known that there was anything lurking behind the pleasant conversation over dessert and coffee. When things get hard Emma has always run. But Regina, Emma realizes, had never had that option. She had been trapped, first by a mother who was a powerful witch and then by a husband who was a king, so she had run the only way possible. Regina had learned to escape into herself.

Tonight Regina is a master of hiding behind the mask. It stays perfectly in place through the evening, until Emma starts to wonder whether Regina's openness in the bathroom earlier had been merely an illusion. Emma watches Regina finally begin to relax again as she tucks Henry into bed that evening. Emma says her goodnight quickly, then watches from the doorway as Regina lingers a few minutes longer with their son. Henry sleepily allows his mother's attention, and if she hugs him a little extra tightly he doesn't say anything.

Regina wraps the blankets securely around Henry, just as she had done when he was a small child, and presses a kiss to his forehead. Regina walks towards the door, and Emma is thankful that her lover once again looks like herself and not the cold veneer of madame mayor that had resurfaced earlier in the evening. Emma grasps Regina's hand as they walk back to the master bedroom that they now share.

As soon as they shut the door, Regina's mouth is pressed to Emma's. Regina's hands grab her lover's ass, guiding the blonde back against the wall. Regina's hands roam Emma's body roughly, and without a doubt it turns the younger woman on. Emma moans so loudly as Regina bites at her lip that Emma is concerned that they might wake Henry.

It's not the first time that Regina has taken control in the bedroom, and usually it's a complete turn on for Emma. But right now all Emma can think of is the image of the Evil Queen, in her low cut dresses and corsets that leave almost nothing of Regina's breasts to the imagination. Regina's working quickly, and before Emma can even get her bearings, her pants are unzipped and Regina's hand has reached inside them. Emma can't deny how good it feels, or how incredibly hot Regina looks like this, dripping sexuality, fierce and in control and so damn beautiful that it makes Emma ache in the perfect way.

But damn if this doesn't remind Emma of the pictures of the Queen pressing a meaningless lover against the wall and taking what she wants. Now, with everything that had passed between the two women this evening, Emma sees those images differently. She sees the Evil Queen not as the confident, domineering woman in leather about whom Emma has fantasized once or twice, but as a woman brought up to believe that sex was about nothing more than power. Better to be the one in control. Regina had learned that for six fucking years.

Rage on her lover's behalf seethes in Emma's chest; for six years Regina had endured hell. Had she ever known anything else? The realization is enough for Emma to break away from the wonderful feelings that Regina is already eliciting with expertly practiced fingers. Emma reaches down and guides Regina's hand out of damp underwear and to Emma's mouth.

Regina places her fingers in Emma's mouth, and Emma sucks her own wetness from them, as she's done countless times before. But she doesn't let Regina's hand go, instead cradling it in one of her own. Emma places a gentle kiss to each of Regina's knuckles, and Regina offers Emma a beautiful smile in return.

"Can we take it a little slower?" Emma asks, slinging her arms around Regina's waist loosely.

And suddenly the expression on Regina's face darkens. "I don't need for you to teach me how to make love or that I deserve to be taken care of," Regina says, her voice mocking and contemptuous. Emma's been caught, she knows, because yes, that is what she wanted to do. She wanted to show Regina that she loves her and that sex didn't need to be about control or power. "I'm not broken Emma, and just because you're the Savior doesn't mean you need to go around trying to save everyone."

Emma hadn't meant for it to come off that way, but there's no denying that Regina has Emma pegged. Emma considers trying to explain her way out of the situation. But Regina is nothing if not a good arguer. Years as mayor has made the older woman perfectly persuasive, and Emma does not feel like getting into a fight with her lover right now. So instead Emma looks Regina in the eyes and asks something so very simple, "What do you need?"

It catches Regina off guard. She's clearly not expecting the question, and Emma can't help but wonder whether her lover has ever been asked anything like this before. Not by a servant or employee, but by someone who cared. Regina softens in the most unexpected way then, and her face is open and trusting and oh so very young. "I'm sorry," Regina whispers, though Emma isn't exactly sure whether the older woman is apologizing for her words or for her rough touches a moment ago. Either way, it isn't necessary. Emma simply responds with a smile.

Regina walks to the bed and sits down, and it throws Emma into the past again. She imagines the young girl with long dark hair on her wedding night, and wonders whether that girl had even been touched before. Emma guesses at the answer from everything she knows about the world in which Regina had been raised. It breaks Emma's heart, and yes, Regina had been right, it makes Emma want to take her lover in her arms and be gentle and soft and show Regina what she should have had all those years ago.

But Regina leans forward then, once again pressing her mouth to Emma's. This time it isn't controlling or forceful, but still firm and confident and enough to make heat pool between Emma's legs again. Regina's hands pull Emma's shirt easily from her unzipped pants, but this time they move slowly up and down Emma's back, sending the most delicious shivers through the blonde's body.

Emma feels a pang of guilt at the realization that Regina was right: she isn't a broken child, she's the woman who has been making love to Emma for months now. The woman who taught _Emma_ what it meant to make love after a decade of meaningless one night stands. "I love you, you know?" Emma says.

"I know that. I love you too," Regina replies, stilling the motion of her hands, but not removing them from the bare skin of her lover's back. "And I know you would never hurt me," she continues, her voice steady. "I don't need you to show me how to make love, Emma."

"I know," Emma says immediately apologetic. "I'm sorry."

But Regina just ignores the younger woman and continues talking. Her voice drops an octave as she says, "I'm pretty sure we make love every night."

Emma leans forward and kisses Regina, waiting for the brunette to open her mouth and invite Emma to continue. Emma pulls away to look at Regina as she begins to unbutton the expensive silk shirt. Regina smiles her permission, seeming to understand that Emma is going to be extra sensitive to making sure her lover is ok with everything they're doing.

Regina's shirt is discarded on the floor, followed by a lacy red bra. Emma caresses her lover's breasts, bringing forth deep, low moans, as Regina works to remove Emma's clothes. Regina stands a bit impatiently and takes off her own pants and panties as well. Emma takes in Regina, standing in front of her, and even months later, Emma still can be shocked by how beautiful her lover is. Emma moves back on the bed so that she's lying against the pillows, spread before Regina, who gives her an approving smile.

Regina straddles Emma, leaning over to kiss the blonde, before moving her lips lower. She sucks at Emma's neck, nipping tenderly before moving her attention to her lover's breasts. By the time Regina has worked her mouth down to Emma's mound, the blonde is already writhing, begging to be touched. Regina spares no time, apparently satisfied by the frenzy that she's already worked her lover into. She presses her lips against Emma's clit, sucking softly. She takes a few minutes to lick lightly, until she can feel Emma's frustration with the too light touch. Regina presses two fingers inside Emma, curling them just how the younger woman likes.

Emma grabs another pillow and props herself up, wanting to watch Regina. The brunette's eyes meet Emma's, dark and aroused and in love. As good as Regina may be at hiding everything, she also has the most expressive eyes that Emma has ever seen. Emma watches her lover intently as she presses her tongue more firmly against Emma's clit and intensifies the movement of her fingers. Emma holds out as long as she can, wanting to enjoy the sensations just a bit longer, until finally it's too much and she comes with a long, strangled moan. Regina stills her hand inside Emma, and continues the lightest of touches with her tongue, just what she knows Emma likes.

Regina climbs up next to Emma and kisses her so deeply that Emma could never think that this was anything besides love. Emma runs her fingers through Regina's hair, as Regina settles herself against her lover's body. Emma begins to move her hand lightly along Regina's thigh, before Regina captures the blonde's hand in her own. "I just want to lie here with you," Regina says, and Emma suddenly hears the exhaustion in the other woman's voice.

Emma holds Regina tighter, as the older woman snuggles further into Emma's chest. "Thank you," the blonde whispers, pressing a kiss to her lover's hair. Ostensibly it's a _thank you for the orgasm_ but they both know it's so much more. It's _thank you for loving me _and _thank you for letting me love you_. It's words that they're starting to say out loud, but that are still easier to express in touches.

Regina's only response is a soft "Mmmm" and a smile as she closes her eyes. Regina looks happy, truly happy. To Emma, that says everything.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: I decided to finish this story before I tackle another chapter of "Broken." I've been wanting to write one of Regina's therapy sessions since watching "The Doctor," and I took this opportunity to do so. And of course there's some Swan Queen fluff. Hope you enjoy. Reviews are always very much appreciated!_

* * *

"Good morning Regina," Archie says, a warm smile on his face.

"Good morning." Regina walks in and takes her usual seat on the couch. Pongo runs over to the former queen with his tail wagging. "Hi there boy," she says, giving the dog a scratch behind his ears. Pongo jumps up so his front paws are on Regina so he can lick her face.

"Pongo, get down," Archie tells the dog.

"He's fine," Regina says, continuing to pet the dog. "You're a good boy, aren't you Pongo?"

"You seem happy today," Archie comments after Pongo has settled himself back in his bed in the corner of the room.

Regina's lips curve into a slight smile as she thinks about this. It had been an exhausting, emotional night. But she had woken up in Emma's arms, and Regina had felt lighter this morning, freer.

She braces herself to talk about this again. She's been surprised by how much it's helped her to talk to Archie, how much she needed to let out decades of pain. "I told Emma something last night that I've never told anyone." Archie waits as Regina takes a breath and swallows. "I told her about my marriage to Leopold."

Regina stops, looks down at her hands in her lap. "What about your marriage?" Archie prompts.

When Regina looks up again there are tears in her eyes. "I never wanted to marry the King." Archie nods. He knows this from their conversations about Daniel. "I never wanted..." It's still so hard for her to say the words out loud. "I told Emma about what it was like to have sex with Leopold."

Regina's quiet for a long time then, and Archie isn't sure whether she's lost in memories or whether she's working to keep her mind blank. "Regina?"

"I lost my virginity on my wedding night, and it was awful. Leopold stumbled into my chambers drunk after the wedding feast. I knew what he would expect of me, but still I couldn't do anything more than lie on the bed shaking and crying. I tried so hard to make my mother proud, to be the wife that she'd promised to the King. But I couldn't..." She sobs, the memory of that first night overwhelming her. She can feel the stabbing pain in her body and the utter misery in her soul, lying under Leopold and knowing that this was her ever after.

Regina continues her story through sobs, feeling compelled to get this out. "He came to me every night, took what he wanted, and left. During the day I was expected to perform my other duty as Leopold's wife: caring for Snow."

"And you did that, didn't you? You took care of her. I know she loved you then."

"I hated her," Regina whispers, surprised to find that in this moment the hatred is barely there. "Everyday I became more angry. Everyday I lost more of myself; I became the Evil Queen. The girl I was before, she had hope, she believed in love, despite everything. There was goodness in her."

"Being angry is a natural reaction to what happened to you."

"Well thank you Dr. Freud."

"This is why you killed the King?" Archie asks, and Regina nods. Archie had been at the woman's planned execution for this very crime, and he had never known, had never guessed that there was this story behind the woman who had refused to show any remorse in her final moments.

She looks remorseful now, maybe not about Leopold, but about the woman she had become, the things she'd let herself do in her anger and desperation.

"For the record Regina, I don't think the person you were before you were married is entirely gone," Archie tells Regina with a kind smile. "Do you?"

She used to. Regina had believed it with every inch of her soul when she told Snow that the young woman who saved her life was gone. "That girl isn't coming back, but I'm starting to think that I'm still able to love and to be happy."

"That's excellent Regina!" Archie exclaims. His enthusiasm would normally annoy her, but today she shares it.

"Last night, Emma and I were visiting Snow and David, and I was reminded of Leopold. Emma, she comforted me," Regina says, and Archie can hear the slight surprise in the former queen's voice, like she can't believe that anyone would do that for her. "She told me she loved me, and she took care of me."

"How did that feel? To let someone take care of you?" Archie asks, knowing that the woman sitting in front of him has never had someone to take care of her properly, knowing that she pushes people away the minute they get too close.

Regina smiles. "With Emma, it felt good."

* * *

Emma is making coffee and dancing to the radio when Regina gets home. The brunette chuckles as she watches the other woman sway decidedly arrhythmically in her boxer shorts and tank top.

Regina walks up behind her lover, wrapping her arms around the blonde's waist. Emma's a little startled, but quickly recovers and turns around in Regina's arms, continuing to shake her hips. Regina can't help herself; between the music and the feel of her lover against her, she has no choice but to dance too.

"You snuck out without waking me," Emma says once the music stops. Regina turns off the radio, which now features an obnoxious commercial.

"You were sleeping soundly," Regina replies, gathering two coffee cups from the cupboard.

Regina wraps an arm around Emma's waist and draws the blonde against her chest. "Did you sleep ok?" Emma asks, as she snuggles her head into the crook of the other woman's neck. Regina stiffens and then reminds herself that it's ok to let herself be taken care of like this, that Emma's asking doesn't mean she thinks that the former queen is weak. It just means that Emma cares.

"Yes dear," Regina confirms with a kiss to the other woman's hair. She doesn't want to talk about this right now, but she wants to make sure her lover knows how grateful she is. "Yourself?"

"Like a rock," Emma replies, as she wraps her arms around the woman beside her.

Regina relishes the feeling of gentle yet strong arms around her, letting the former queen know that she's protected and loved. She glances down at Emma and is overcome with such love for this woman. The brunette simply can't help but smile as she runs her fingers through long blonde locks.

"It's a beautiful day outside," Regina says, staring out at the bright sunshine.

"Hmm?" the blonde mutters, lulled into a pleasant half-sleep by her lover's caress.

Regina smiles, and the love and happiness are almost too much for her heart to handle. After so much time spent consumed by hate and pain, it feels strange to let joy into her life. But she does. Somehow, despite everything that Regina has suffered, everything that tells her that there could never be love like this for her, she chooses to accept what's being offered. Regina loves completely, and in doing so she feels every bit like the young girl she'd thought ceased to exist.


End file.
